the tindog coffeehouse

OK, I promised myself I wouldn’t publish any more blog posts about Knut the formerly-cute, still-German polar bear.  But I just had to laugh at the latest AP story about the arrival of the bear’s new “lady friend” Giovanna.

The article was quick to point out that the two animals won’t be mating since two-year-old polar bears aren’t yet sexually mature.  But then it adds the following footnote:

Knut was hand-raised after his mother rejected him at birth. He rose to stardom in 2007 as a cute white ball of fluff, but has since grown into a hulking predator.

A hulking predator!  Wow.  That’s quite a departure from the AP’s last story about him, which described him as “beloved”.  And several months before that, they labeled him a “superstar” (while zoologists were calling him a “psychopath”.)

So there you have it: Knut the once beloved superstar turned psychopath predator.  Why does that sound familiar? (*cough* OJ Simpson *cough*)

Previously:
Knut not so cute, gets the boot
Knut the ‘psychopath’ polar bear now considered ‘beloved’

Meet Sugar Bush Squirrel, an Eastern gray squirrel and pet of Ms. Kelly Foxton.  You may already know Ms. Foxton, who, in addition to recording country music and performing at the Grand Ole Opry, has put together “her own Las Vegas act for cruise ships and conventions” and won “awards too numerous to mention.”  But it’s her love for Sugar Bush Squirrel (yes, the animal’s name includes the redundant “Squirrel”) that has likely gained the couple the greatest notoriety.  You see, Ms. Foxton has a few other passions in her life, including:

• Dressing Sugar Bush Squirrel the squirrel in various whimsical (and usually patriotic) costumes,
• Taking pictures of Sugar Bush Squirrel the squirrel in said costumes,
• And web design.

The culmination of those passions is Ms. Foxton’s Sugar Bush Squirrel website, an online gallery of the most inspiring photos of a squirrel dressed as Sarah Palin you’re likely to ever see in your lifetime.

So, the obvious question — because I know you’re wondering — is whether Sugar Bush Squirrel the squirrel is related to the impending Squirrel Uprising that will surely doom the human race, and unfortunately I don’t have the answer.  But honestly, I’m too choked up to care at the moment.  All I can say is, God bless America, and God bless Sugar Bush Squirrel.

The AP is reporting that Knut, Germany’s once-famous “beloved” polar bear, is able to stay at home in the Berlin Zoo after the zoo paid out a $600,000 settlement over an ownership dispute.

Beloved?  Since when?

Last time the now-brownish bear was in the news, zoologists had labeled him a “psychopath”, and he was being kicked out of the zoo because he was no longer earning his keep.

So does that mean he’s completed some court-mandated polar bear rehab, or have the Berlin Zoo’s ticket sales just picked up since his eviction notice?

Who knows.  But it wouldn’t be the first time a renewed marketability has transformed a has-been freak of nature into revered legend. (*cough* Michael Jackson *cough*)

Previously:
Knut not so cute, gets the boot
Knut the ‘psychopath’ polar bear gets visit from lonely fan

Once the great Squirrel Uprising has come to its inevitable conclusion, I have a feeling we humans will all be made to worship this solar-powered glowing squirrel god.

It may be blasphemous, but at least it comes with a two-year warranty.

Previously:
Squirrel Uprising 2: The Revenge
Squirrel Uprising: Rise of the black ‘super squirrel’
Squirrel Uprising: Snobby French squirrels
Squirrel Uprising: The latest updates

Wow.  The Squirrel Liberation Front has been busy this week.

First, a battle in Milwaukee between a relentless gray squirrel and a homeowner determined to defend his attic at all costs.  You can probably guess who’s winning.

“Normally when you see a squirrel, it’s just a squirrel. But now it’s like I know him. He’s a very worthy adversary,” Dave said when I embedded with his forces this week. …

“Our house has lost $15K in value with the sheet metal, six holes in the side of the house, roofing being torn out, a radio with 24-hour sports talk being blared out the back window (yesterday it was Rush). And now we have a fake owl outside the window in an effort to scare him. Oh, we also have a spotlight to prevent him from chewing.”

That’s not Rush as in “Today’s Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride.” It’s Limbaugh, who’s been known to actually attract rodents.

The squirrel has chewed holes right through the eaves to get into the attic. When Dave would nail sheet metal over one hole, the squirrel would gnaw another. This required him/her to hang upside-down from the rain gutter, which it’s also been eating.

Next, from the UK an update on the civil war between the gray squirrels and the black “super-squirrels”.  It seems the cannibalistic critters have developed quite the appetite for squirrel-flavored potato chips.  Yes, really.  Squirrel-flavored potato chips.

“They can’t seem to get enough of the squirrel-flavoured crisps,” said Camilla, 54, of Milton Keynes, Bucks.

“I bought a packet of them but I didn’t like them as they were quite spicy so I put them on the bird table.

“I was so surprised when I saw the squirrels tucking in, they seem to love them.”

Um, yeah.

Finally, a stunning recreation of armor worn by Medieval squirrel knights.

King Arthur would surely be proud.  Or weirded out.

Previously:
Squirrel Uprising 2: The Revenge
Squirrel Uprising: Rise of the black ‘super squirrel’
Squirrel Uprising: Snobby French squirrels

While aggressive black “super squirrels” in the UK are busy extinguishing their inferior grey and red brethren in preparation for the ultimate showdown with mankind, it appears that squirrels in France are busy, well, being French.

Previously:
Squirrel Uprising 2: The Revenge
Squirrel Uprising: Rise of the black ‘super squirrel’

Well, it looks like the global squirrel revolution may have hit a snag, albeit only a temporary one.  It seems the different factions of the Squirrel Liberation Front are turning on each other in the UK, with the more aggressive black “super squirrels” overtaking their grey counterparts (who themselves are in the process of decimating the reds).

The testosterone-fuelled black squirrels are faster, fitter, fiercely territorial and more aggressive, beating greys to food and mates.

It is a subgroup of the same species of squirrel as greys but in some areas has already become the dominant variety. …

Dr Thomas said the first black squirrel was sighted on the outskirts of Letchworth, Hertfordshire in 1912. The latest estimates show there could be as many as 25,000 black squirrels in the East of England.

This is the biggest change in squirrel demographics since the last indigenous red squirrels almost disappeared 50 years ago as a result of the population explosion of the bigger and more aggressive greys.

With the friendlier varieties quickly becoming obsolete, it’s only a matter of time before the angry nut-hoarding rodents turn their attention back on us.  Yes, we should be afraid.  Very afraid.

Previously:
Squirrel Uprising 2: The Revenge

Aww, Knut, the formerly adorable polar bear of international fame, has a fan.  Seems a “lonely” German man hopped into the 440-pound bear’s enclosure at the Berlin Zoo for a visit and autograph before police hauled him away.

Apparently, the man didn’t bother reading my earlier blog post in which it was pointed out that Knut has been labeled a “psychopath” by zoo officials.  Yeah, that would’ve been a good thing to know ahead of time.

So what have we learned today, boys and girls?

First, read my blog before considering paying an up close and personal visit to a large zoo animal.

Second, just because a polar bear looks lonely, it doesn’t mean you should try to be its BFF.  In all liklihood, it’s probably just bummed about that whole global warming thing.  Instead, just push Al Gore over the railing and walk away.

Third, deranged former child stars can be led anywhere with a leg of beef.

… and sometimes life lives you.

How true.

Remember Knut, the cudly little polar bear cub that the whole world fell in love with a couple of years ago?

Well Knut isn’t so cute anymore.  Nope.  In fact, he’s not even white, he’s brown!  (Can a polar bear even be brown?  Yeah, yeah, I know.  I’m just being racist again.)

Anyway, the color of his fur isn’t the problem.  The problem is, he’s getting kicked out of the Berlin Zoo because it can’t afford to keep him around.  (I’m sure being called a “psychopath” by a zoologist doesn’t help his case.)

Don’t worry, Knut.  Just head to Hollywood.  There’s always a place there for washed up, unstable former child stars who’ve long outgrown their cuteness and usefulness to society.  (*cough* Lindsay Lohan *cough*)

Dr Pepper is giving away coupons on Sunday for a free soda because apparantly Guns N’ Roses has a new album out.  Wait, what?!

Dr Pepper is making good on its promise of free soda now that the release of Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy is a reality.

The soft-drink maker said in March that it would give a free soda to everyone in America if the album dropped in 2008. Chinese Democracy, infamously delayed since recording began in 1994, goes on sale Sunday.

“We never thought this day would come,” Tony Jacobs, Dr Pepper’s vice president of marketing, said in a statement. “But now that it’s here, all we can say is: The Dr Pepper’s on us.”

Beginning Sunday at 12:01 a.m., coupons for a free 20-ounce soda will be available for 24 hours on Dr Pepper’s website. They’ll be honored until Feb. 28.

Well, alrighty then!

Update: Just in case you were wondering, no, I didn’t get my coupon for a free Dr Pepper.  I actually went to the website a couple of times, but it was down both times.  I guess it just couldn’t handle the onslaught of traffic.  Probably for the best.

Is reclusive North Korean president Kim Jong-Il still alive?  Some say no.  But the Photoshop experts at Worth1000 say otherwise.

(I don’t think that last one is Photoshopped.)